Today is my birthday. I turn 53 years old today. I've been saying I am going to write my first blog post for about the last six months. I have a whole list of ideas and the beginnings of paragraphs for some of them - which I hope you will read soon. Posts on things like "I'm Afraid Not to Worry" to "Life -An Adventure or Package Deal?" to my musings on learning or trying to learn how to be a "yogi" in my 50s (thats really pretty funny...) to my Current Life Lived in Liminality (look it up). But for some reason I have not been able to discipline myself to sit down and write.
So I thought that today - my BIRTH day - the day I was born on - would be a good day to get this thing going even though I'm not quite sure what it is I want to write about it.
I guess I'll start with how I feel. When I grumble about "getting old" or "older" and not particularly liking it, a lot of people I know like to make the comment - "Well, it beats the alternative" -- as if that's supposed to make me feel better. I wonder if the people saying that to me really feel that way or just think its what one is supposed to say in response to people like me who like to complain about getting old. I mean I could think of other creative "alternatives" - like maybe not getting older, or maintaining my youthful glow and vibrancy my entire life, or living forever - but I'm guessing I don't really have the power to create that kind of alternative even if I prayed and meditated 24/7. Now I'm smart enough to realize that being alive is better than being dead - or so we think it is as long as we are alive. And that acceptance about growing old will undoubtedly enable us to grow old more gracefully and beautifully, perhaps even gaining beauty as we grow.
But there's a reality to this aging thing that needs to be considered. Like I just got done making my bed and am totally exhausted from the effort; I can remember a time when that wasn't the case. Like I really cant tell whether its cold or hot anymore; my internal thermostat seems to be set at a perpetual "warm" to "toasty" regardless of the outside temperature. Like it costs me a car payment to get my hair colored so that I can be one of those people where 50 is the new 40 and look like it. Like "muffin tops" has taken on a whole new meaning.
I'm not looking to be 25 or even 30 something again. I was too naive, too powerless and had not learned enough lessons in the world yet to be taken seriously or to be as effective at so many things as I would have liked to be. Being 50 something isn't all bad - you are still considered "young" by 70 plus somethings but then again, you are also considered "old" by your kids and anyone younger than you. Then again, you are old enough to have others believe you have some wisdom, yet young enough that you can still "look good for your age".
Still - why is it that I find myself being more depressed by birthdays as time marches on than finding joy in the day? This year, is the first year I have not been working in about 30 years so the loneliness I feel being at home alone is particularly poignant. (My two daughters are both grown and away- one in college and the other as first year music/choir teacher (so proud) ).
Today I had to dig deep as sometimes we need to do when emotions overtake us that do not serve us. While I really want to feel righteous in my woes and find some sympathy for me and them - and believe me, I am the kind of person that really does --- I also know that all that really does is make me miss out on the joy. My "boyfriend, lover, best friend. sometimes (now most of the time ) fiance" Michael says that our birthdays are so special because there really is only one YOU. YOU - that never existed before and never will again and thats a reason to celebrate.
I also was reminded about gratitude, and that this is a good day for remembering all that I have to be grateful for as well. And there is so much there for me to be grateful for -- including the things that aren't exactly as I would have planned them or pictured them.
So I guess I can put my righteous indignation at being yet another year older aside for the moment, and focus on the beautiful day, MY beautiful day instead. I mean after all I'm not the only one who gets another year older every year. Watch out young people, it will happen to you someday too --if you are lucky. And when you do, stop and have gratitude - -because, you know - it beats the alternative
